Giving up? Not yet.

As the world drowns yet again in sorrow,
even as we try denying it, we know the truth
that it's all going down and it's only going to harrow
what's left of our battered souls. We bear the wrath
of sins from the past, searching for a tomorrow
that will be free from the binds of sloth.

When happiness becomes a mere illusion
leaving one to wonder if it was ever theirs to lose;
"make" yourself happy, we think - to what end though?
When what you stand for fails, or fails you - trepidation
results, principles and faith we start to peruse,
the outcome of which we may never know.

Isolation by choice ensues. The world gives up on you
because when you give up on the world, on life -
nothing out there is what you want anymore.
It's as bad as this, or worse. If any of what you believed in is true,
you'll know that this is not the end - but is the mind in strife
with reality? Until you know, it's best to get back to what you were before.

The Grim Weeper

The throes of lost love cleaving to her heart
Vivid memories,now a mere vestige of the past
The butterflies and verdant meadows
not appreciated for their beauty, shadowed.

The evanescent peace in sleep she finds is ruined by a nightmare,
Tears glisten in her eyes, she knows life's beyond repair. `
She's got work to do, she desperately tries
but vagrant thoughts besiege her, she cries.

She fakes happiness, her visage belies her true feelings
She lives only for the world, forgets she's a human being
Numbness overcomes her with an unbridled force
She doesn't know where to turn, there's no recourse.

Does she have a choice? She comes to terms with reality
She doesn't learn to move on, but she no longer believes in serendipity.
She settles into monotony, life has lost the need for answers.`
Her art, her dance,her life, her love -These things just don't matter.

She knows she's strong enough to pull through this
but does she want to try? For once she's remiss.
She craves for the comfort in laughter, in tears
that she once shared with someone who allayed her fears

Someone she trusted to stay by her side, carry her
through the darkest of times to a life together;
How wrong she was! misled by her own illusions
believing not, in life's evil collusions.

She must rise, and she will
for the next hit will be harder still
Even if she denies it, she'll slowly regain
her love for life- after all,it's familiar terrain.

She may now seem like a grim weeper
but how true! Time is the real healer
She'll soon enough beat the pheonix,
for there are many more problems to fix!

lost

Scenario 1: 3^rd sem, first mid-semester.

We had just finished writing an exam on algorithms and data structures. Somehow shwe and I got to talking about NUS during the one and a half hour break we got before our next paper, PERL. That’s when I realized for the first time that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I looked at the first question in the previous question paper again. “What is an algorithm? What is it used for”? That’s when I understood what it felt like to be answering questions meant for a 5^th grader. I ended up bunking the next exam, because I was too depressed to live my life then.

Scenario 2: 5^th sem, end semester.

This time it was artificial neural networks. But this was a slightly different situation. The paper was tough, no doubt about it. The teacher didn’t know anything, so she hardly took class. No material to study from, no proper guidance. No nothing. The list goes on. This is what I’ve been hearing ever since I came out of the hall, clutching the question paper with both hands, not knowing any of the answers. It’s not about not doing well. It’s not about the mark or the grade or my rank in class. It never was.

There have been times when I don’t want to accept my mistakes. Times when I take the easy way out by putting the blame on someone or something else. Times when I was arrogant enough to think my father was wrong. But now, I am finally starting to understand what he’s been trying to tell me for so long. What everybody around me tells me all the time. Study, aim big in life, have some goals, do SOMETHING.

I was disgusted with myself today. I’ve come to a situation where I’m complaining about a few questions that were not mentioned in the syllabus copy. I’ve never heard those terms before, but I could have, if I had bothered looking them up. If I had bothered looking up new things on the internet. If I had bothered about the subject at all. Basically, I’ve arrived at this situation where I’m cribbing about my life once again. But now I know it’s my fault. Today, for the first time, I feel debilitated. I’ve slowly settled into a life of mediocrity. I’ve succumbed to Indian education and it’s multitudinous ramifications. I didn’t think I would, but here I am, shamelessly accepting the fact.

It’s not just Indian education. People who want to do well really make an effort. It’s not the just-studying-for-the-exam bit, I went past that stage a few years back. Where’s the studying-because-I-want-to part? Sometimes, I study and read things because I really want to get to know more. But beyond a point, I know I don’t go that extra mile. I’ve turned into a lethargic, indolent teenager. Oh wait. I’m not a teenager anymore. So now I’m successfully an otiose adult.

I’m hoping that this realization that’s dawned upon me so late in life will have some effect on me. My lifestyle. My thought process. I’m hoping. I know this is not how I want things to be. But then, how do I want it???