Look at her arrogance. She talks as though she has mastered the art of acceptance. She seems to portray through her writing that whatever is thrown at her – any new development that she doesn't want, any change that she has been dreading – whatever it is, she’ll get through it without too many bruises or scars. She says that it is okay- she smiles and consoles the people who feel bad for her, telling them that her life is going to be okay after all. Looks like she’s got a heart of steel or rock or whatever that never breaks. She’s got to be that strong, how can she be okay with her life otherwise? Going on as though nothing is ever wrong, as though nothing is ever too big to not shrug away casually like a feather resting on her shoulder. She takes whatever the world gives her, smiling - with a clenched fist and through gritted teeth, but she takes it nevertheless.
For once, though, she finds that she is lost. During all those years of constant endurance – of pain, misery, disappointments, betrayal – not once did she feel that she would falter from what she thought was her way of living. Not once did she imagine that she would come to a stage where everything does seem as gloomy as many people paint it. She always looked at life as something that needed constant improvement, something that was worth fighting for, and something that did not have the time to give to heartbreaks and anguish. Now she finds herself questioning her ability to get over a minor setback. Her life couldn’t be better, one would say. She’s got everything that few people can only dream of at this stage. Supportive parents, academic life going places -what more does she want? She must be arrogant to assume that her life is miserable. What if she’s at a stage where she’s not able to cherish what she has? She feels empty and saturated at the same time. She feels like she doesn’t have anything or anybody to fall back on, and yet she’s saturated with all the attention that is being showered on her for various reasons. Saturated with all the premature experiences she has gathered, not regretting any of them, but saturated.
She wants to go back in time. She almost repents having spoken about acceptance being the only way to get over change. She doesn’t know what she wants to go back to, though. There are many memories she would like to relive just for a moment, knowing that she had to give it up someday. Isn’t that much better than suddenly finding yourself in a situation where you can’t go back anymore? She knows what she wants. She doesn’t want anything to last indefinitely. She knows that’s asking for too much and she doesn’t believe in that anyway. But right now, in this moment of weakness that doesn’t come to her very often, she wants to go back in time and treasure the moment that she wants, understanding the true meaning of what it is to live that moment like it will never be hers again. She wants to consciously interpret the meaning of existence, though just for a moment. She knows this won’t last. She knows that when she reads this again she might consider herself stupid and shrug it away like she does so many other emotionally disturbing things. But for now, she knows what it is to lose something and feel for it. To feel the loss, to appreciate its beauty when it was there, to appreciate the pain it causes when it is gone.
