lost

Scenario 1: 3^rd sem, first mid-semester.

We had just finished writing an exam on algorithms and data structures. Somehow shwe and I got to talking about NUS during the one and a half hour break we got before our next paper, PERL. That’s when I realized for the first time that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I looked at the first question in the previous question paper again. “What is an algorithm? What is it used for”? That’s when I understood what it felt like to be answering questions meant for a 5^th grader. I ended up bunking the next exam, because I was too depressed to live my life then.

Scenario 2: 5^th sem, end semester.

This time it was artificial neural networks. But this was a slightly different situation. The paper was tough, no doubt about it. The teacher didn’t know anything, so she hardly took class. No material to study from, no proper guidance. No nothing. The list goes on. This is what I’ve been hearing ever since I came out of the hall, clutching the question paper with both hands, not knowing any of the answers. It’s not about not doing well. It’s not about the mark or the grade or my rank in class. It never was.

There have been times when I don’t want to accept my mistakes. Times when I take the easy way out by putting the blame on someone or something else. Times when I was arrogant enough to think my father was wrong. But now, I am finally starting to understand what he’s been trying to tell me for so long. What everybody around me tells me all the time. Study, aim big in life, have some goals, do SOMETHING.

I was disgusted with myself today. I’ve come to a situation where I’m complaining about a few questions that were not mentioned in the syllabus copy. I’ve never heard those terms before, but I could have, if I had bothered looking them up. If I had bothered looking up new things on the internet. If I had bothered about the subject at all. Basically, I’ve arrived at this situation where I’m cribbing about my life once again. But now I know it’s my fault. Today, for the first time, I feel debilitated. I’ve slowly settled into a life of mediocrity. I’ve succumbed to Indian education and it’s multitudinous ramifications. I didn’t think I would, but here I am, shamelessly accepting the fact.

It’s not just Indian education. People who want to do well really make an effort. It’s not the just-studying-for-the-exam bit, I went past that stage a few years back. Where’s the studying-because-I-want-to part? Sometimes, I study and read things because I really want to get to know more. But beyond a point, I know I don’t go that extra mile. I’ve turned into a lethargic, indolent teenager. Oh wait. I’m not a teenager anymore. So now I’m successfully an otiose adult.

I’m hoping that this realization that’s dawned upon me so late in life will have some effect on me. My lifestyle. My thought process. I’m hoping. I know this is not how I want things to be. But then, how do I want it???