When glimpses of the past threatens with a snigger,
I can see the gruesome hand wagging it's menacing finger
trying to warn me about an imminent future
Immured by the walls closing in-by life,
I stand here with what's left of hope.
though life hits rock-bottom,
and a pressing urge to succumb to despair prevails,
tomorrow is yet to come
and there lies a future that is brighter.
But what if all else fails?
The nagging question with no answer.
I let down all my defenses and hope.
Living under the pretense of happiness
Smiling to the world, for the world.
One day i hope,
someone learns the answer
I have searched for in vain.
With this hope i live,
hoping for a better tomorrow.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Need
I want some peace,
laughter with ease;
I want happiness to flow
and our inner souls to glow
I want a new day, a new beginning
one free from worries,without pain
some time when the tears flow freely without restraints
when shadows don't haunt us
when normality is back
when things aren't crazy as they seem to be.
I want a life
where things are certain
where uncertainty cannot slowly destroy meaning.
laughter with ease;
I want happiness to flow
and our inner souls to glow
I want a new day, a new beginning
one free from worries,without pain
some time when the tears flow freely without restraints
when shadows don't haunt us
when normality is back
when things aren't crazy as they seem to be.
I want a life
where things are certain
where uncertainty cannot slowly destroy meaning.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Reminiscences
Gone are the days when conversations were easy. When careless whispers meant the world to me. When nothing was misconstrued, when words didn't carry an inner meaning. I miss the times when life was simple. When everything was laid out in front of me, when choices were not mine. I like the independence, yes. But i also miss the comfort of my mother's reassurances, my father's thoughtful rebuke, my brother's constant support. I miss the sweet innocence, the times when i thought there could be nothing worse than losing my slam book to my English teacher. I miss nush, gansa and shame. I miss all the secret codes and the innocuous banter. I miss the idea of jane, tuber and npwala. I miss the big crushes and obti and archie. I miss getting screamed at for not controlling my fringe from falling on my face. I miss those days of green skirts and white shirts, peeping into classes where girls wore 'salwars' and boys wore 'pants', trying to figure out what was written on the blackboard, wondering if we would ever grow up to understand all the 'trigonometry equations' and 'integration'. I miss the fights between boys and girls, the daily rush for break boxes. I miss paatu class. The days I spent singing love songs about baby krishna and blushing at having understood the meaning and trying to conceal my newly found knowledge cuz I always felt I was too young to actually know. The times I felt so proud at having identified a raaga on my own. The times I tried singing an alaap and getting appreciated for it. The rare occasions during which it rained immediately after I sang amruthavarshini, making me think that however ridiculous it sounded, it was raining because of me.
I miss the nights I spent crying because I didn't do well in a test. I miss sneaking out of class and buying samosas for friends. I miss the daily treats. Special samosa. I miss PT classes, throwball,volleyball and basketball. I miss trying to maintain a rally with volleyball sir and VK. I miss seeing the guys perform during adzap. I miss all the culturals we participated in, winning some, cribbing about how unfair it was to lose some. I remember the innumerable practice sessions. I miss the first time I felt proud, when I coached a junior dance team for intra school culturals and they won despite technical difficulties.
I cannot forget the excursions. The pain I went through on our way to Hyderabad. The support I got from my friends that made me understand who really stays with you till the end. The fight I had with gansa and lacku in Trivandrum over what now seems like such a petty issue. The dances, the songs, the fun. I remember everything now. I know I can't go back in time. So why am i thinking?
I miss the innocence in first year. Getting introduced to new people. Without knowing it, meeting the three people who would be friends forever. Who would stand by me through thick and thin. I miss those days we sat in the lawn, how we always had serious stuff to talk about only before midsems. Those nights we spent gazing at the stars. Those nights we ran away from the warden's room. Those days when we tried talking about ghost stories. Those days when we were there for each other. Those days when we fought over how many panneers each of us got.
I miss going to the canteen. It doesn't feel the same nowadays, I'm a visitor. A guest. Earlier it used to be my second hostel. I no longer go to meet people. Now it's just another place where I get better food than the mess. It doesn't have a special significance anymore. I miss clubs. I miss dumb-c throughout the night.
Life is good. I am happy with what I have now. Fe, soup, var, pri and rags, nush, gansa, shame. They're all still there. And I think they will be. But something is missing. Guess what?
*some text missing* :P (check out your nokia phones for more details)
-I think this is the worst way to end a serious post. But what to do? Those who know me would have expected this. And those who don't. I don't care.
I miss the nights I spent crying because I didn't do well in a test. I miss sneaking out of class and buying samosas for friends. I miss the daily treats. Special samosa. I miss PT classes, throwball,volleyball and basketball. I miss trying to maintain a rally with volleyball sir and VK. I miss seeing the guys perform during adzap. I miss all the culturals we participated in, winning some, cribbing about how unfair it was to lose some. I remember the innumerable practice sessions. I miss the first time I felt proud, when I coached a junior dance team for intra school culturals and they won despite technical difficulties.
I cannot forget the excursions. The pain I went through on our way to Hyderabad. The support I got from my friends that made me understand who really stays with you till the end. The fight I had with gansa and lacku in Trivandrum over what now seems like such a petty issue. The dances, the songs, the fun. I remember everything now. I know I can't go back in time. So why am i thinking?
I miss the innocence in first year. Getting introduced to new people. Without knowing it, meeting the three people who would be friends forever. Who would stand by me through thick and thin. I miss those days we sat in the lawn, how we always had serious stuff to talk about only before midsems. Those nights we spent gazing at the stars. Those nights we ran away from the warden's room. Those days when we tried talking about ghost stories. Those days when we were there for each other. Those days when we fought over how many panneers each of us got.
I miss going to the canteen. It doesn't feel the same nowadays, I'm a visitor. A guest. Earlier it used to be my second hostel. I no longer go to meet people. Now it's just another place where I get better food than the mess. It doesn't have a special significance anymore. I miss clubs. I miss dumb-c throughout the night.
Life is good. I am happy with what I have now. Fe, soup, var, pri and rags, nush, gansa, shame. They're all still there. And I think they will be. But something is missing. Guess what?
*some text missing* :P (check out your nokia phones for more details)
-I think this is the worst way to end a serious post. But what to do? Those who know me would have expected this. And those who don't. I don't care.
Jaded
Very tired, I decided to indulge in a short siesta, though I haven’t started preparing for my exams starting Monday. I draw the curtains, clear my bed and lie down, knowing I’ll be asleep in a few minutes. Though I’m exhausted, I’m not able to sleep. Instead, I stare at the ceiling and observe the sun’s rays struggling to make it‘s way into my room, trying to thwart my sleep. But no, I say to myself. I’m so tired that some sunlight won’t matter. I close my eyes, and go to my happy place.
Thud Thud.
I can hear my phone vibrating on my table. I wish I’d switched it off, but there’s nothing I could do now. I hastily reach for it with my lower half clinging to the bed and my upper half dangling from it. I press some button, and it stops. Peace again. Then clunk. Phone splits and the already battered battery takes another beating. It at least won’t vibrate again methinks, and I happily tuck myself in again.
Thud Thud.
Now is probably the time to tell you about the noisy people I have for neighbors. And I’m not living in a soundproof house, rather a room that’s barely the size of your bathroom. ‘Vaishnavi(V)! Can I borrow your PC notes?’ screams Aswini(A). Names don’t matter, because these people don’t matter anyway. But again, to complete the story, V screams back. ‘Inga vaa. I have it here’. And so I think it’s over, but how naïve of me to think that. They’re not done yet. A walks out of her room, slams her door, bangs on V’s door. V says ‘It’s open de’. A pushes the door so hard it hits the wall and I’m hoping it rebounded and hit her face. But as luck has it,no, she’s fine. And like any other two girls who have an exam in two days, they start chattering. Mind you, I can hear EVERY single word they utter. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, so I tried concentrating on things on my table. I finally get accustomed to all the jabbering, and despite the noise, I’m starting to fall asleep. I close my eyes and bang. I’m guessing A left V’s room, thereby repeating the same banging and slamming. Now I realize I have only half an hour to go before my alarm rings. THEN it struck me that my phone is dead on the floor and my alarm isn’t going to ring until I fix it. I reluctantly get up, fix my phone, reset the alarm, and get back into my comforter.
Thud Thud.
I can hear fe’s chappals. And I know she’s not loud. So I theorize that I’m trying to spoil my sleep by listening to otherwise normal sounds. But I can’t ignore this. I hear her walk all the way to the common bathroom. To my surprise, I’m actually thinking if she’s going for a bath or to wash clothes. Then I think I can ask her to wake me up if my phone fails me and reach for my phone to send her a message. Bang. Phone falls down again. Sigh. I decide I’ve had enough and close my eyes yet again, not bothered about when I get up. All I want now is some sleep. But wait. I hear fe coming back. 70 steps. I counted.
Thud Thud.
All the way from ground floor, I can hear them clearing the mess. The plates are clumsily clanked together, the curd cups are poured into a bigger container. I can hear it, as I long for some sleep. Cleaning up the mess is by no means a long process, so this eats into most of the time I have left.
Thud Thud.
That dreaded knock on my door. At first I choose to ignore it, but it gets louder and louder and I’m losing my patience. I get up in one swift motion, and yank the door open.
Person: Sorry to disturb you. Were you sleeping?
Me: Uh huh. Tell me. What’s up?
P: I wanted to know about the daksh blah blah…..
M:*regrets volunteering for daksh*. More blah blah.
P:Thanks and sorry to disturb once again.
M:*Smiles and before thinking, says* No problem. Come if you have any more doubts.
*closes door.shudders*.
Now I decide to stop trying. Everyone has their threshold. I reached mine. I woke up in such an irritated mood that I wanted to break somebody’s head. Maybe mine. Or maybe my ears for picking on every single sound.
Thud Thud. My heart is beating louder than ever. I can hear it. I could, all the while when I was trying to sleep. I sit up and wonder. Two years back I used to sleep like a baby, without a care in the world, without anything disturbing me. I wish I could go back to that time when it didn’t matter if my dad was watching some action movie in the same room that I slept. I’m tired. More tired than I was when I wanted to sleep.
I'm jaded.
P.S- No offense to A or V or P. You are nice people.
Thud Thud.
I can hear my phone vibrating on my table. I wish I’d switched it off, but there’s nothing I could do now. I hastily reach for it with my lower half clinging to the bed and my upper half dangling from it. I press some button, and it stops. Peace again. Then clunk. Phone splits and the already battered battery takes another beating. It at least won’t vibrate again methinks, and I happily tuck myself in again.
Thud Thud.
Now is probably the time to tell you about the noisy people I have for neighbors. And I’m not living in a soundproof house, rather a room that’s barely the size of your bathroom. ‘Vaishnavi(V)! Can I borrow your PC notes?’ screams Aswini(A). Names don’t matter, because these people don’t matter anyway. But again, to complete the story, V screams back. ‘Inga vaa. I have it here’. And so I think it’s over, but how naïve of me to think that. They’re not done yet. A walks out of her room, slams her door, bangs on V’s door. V says ‘It’s open de’. A pushes the door so hard it hits the wall and I’m hoping it rebounded and hit her face. But as luck has it,no, she’s fine. And like any other two girls who have an exam in two days, they start chattering. Mind you, I can hear EVERY single word they utter. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, so I tried concentrating on things on my table. I finally get accustomed to all the jabbering, and despite the noise, I’m starting to fall asleep. I close my eyes and bang. I’m guessing A left V’s room, thereby repeating the same banging and slamming. Now I realize I have only half an hour to go before my alarm rings. THEN it struck me that my phone is dead on the floor and my alarm isn’t going to ring until I fix it. I reluctantly get up, fix my phone, reset the alarm, and get back into my comforter.
Thud Thud.
I can hear fe’s chappals. And I know she’s not loud. So I theorize that I’m trying to spoil my sleep by listening to otherwise normal sounds. But I can’t ignore this. I hear her walk all the way to the common bathroom. To my surprise, I’m actually thinking if she’s going for a bath or to wash clothes. Then I think I can ask her to wake me up if my phone fails me and reach for my phone to send her a message. Bang. Phone falls down again. Sigh. I decide I’ve had enough and close my eyes yet again, not bothered about when I get up. All I want now is some sleep. But wait. I hear fe coming back. 70 steps. I counted.
Thud Thud.
All the way from ground floor, I can hear them clearing the mess. The plates are clumsily clanked together, the curd cups are poured into a bigger container. I can hear it, as I long for some sleep. Cleaning up the mess is by no means a long process, so this eats into most of the time I have left.
Thud Thud.
That dreaded knock on my door. At first I choose to ignore it, but it gets louder and louder and I’m losing my patience. I get up in one swift motion, and yank the door open.
Person: Sorry to disturb you. Were you sleeping?
Me: Uh huh. Tell me. What’s up?
P: I wanted to know about the daksh blah blah…..
M:*regrets volunteering for daksh*. More blah blah.
P:Thanks and sorry to disturb once again.
M:*Smiles and before thinking, says* No problem. Come if you have any more doubts.
*closes door.shudders*.
Now I decide to stop trying. Everyone has their threshold. I reached mine. I woke up in such an irritated mood that I wanted to break somebody’s head. Maybe mine. Or maybe my ears for picking on every single sound.
Thud Thud. My heart is beating louder than ever. I can hear it. I could, all the while when I was trying to sleep. I sit up and wonder. Two years back I used to sleep like a baby, without a care in the world, without anything disturbing me. I wish I could go back to that time when it didn’t matter if my dad was watching some action movie in the same room that I slept. I’m tired. More tired than I was when I wanted to sleep.
I'm jaded.
P.S- No offense to A or V or P. You are nice people.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Friday, November 21, 2008
lost
Scenario 1: 3rd sem, first mid-semester.
We had just finished writing an exam on algorithms and data structures. Somehow shwe and I got to talking about NUS during the one and a half hour break we got before our next paper, PERL. That’s when I realized for the first time that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I looked at the first question in the previous question paper again. “What is an algorithm? What is it used for”? That’s when I understood what it felt like to be answering questions meant for a 5th grader. I ended up bunking the next exam, because I was too depressed to live my life then.
Scenario 2: 5th sem, end semester.
This time it was artificial neural networks. But this was a slightly different situation. The paper was tough, no doubt about it. The teacher didn’t know anything, so she hardly took class. No material to study from, no proper guidance. No nothing. The list goes on. This is what I’ve been hearing ever since I came out of the hall, clutching the question paper with both hands, not knowing any of the answers. It’s not about not doing well. It’s not about the mark or the grade or my rank in class. It never was.
There have been times when I don’t want to accept my mistakes. Times when I take the easy way out by putting the blame on someone or something else. Times when I was arrogant enough to think my father was wrong. But now, I am finally starting to understand what he’s been trying to tell me for so long. What everybody around me tells me all the time. Study, aim big in life, have some goals, do SOMETHING.
I was disgusted with myself today. I’ve come to a situation where I’m complaining about a few questions that were not mentioned in the syllabus copy. I’ve never heard those terms before, but I could have, if I had bothered looking them up. If I had bothered looking up new things on the internet. If I had bothered about the subject at all. Basically, I’ve arrived at this situation where I’m cribbing about my life once again. But now I know it’s my fault. Today, for the first time, I feel debilitated. I’ve slowly settled into a life of mediocrity. I’ve succumbed to Indian education and it’s multitudinous ramifications. I didn’t think I would, but here I am, shamelessly accepting the fact.
It’s not just Indian education. People who want to do well really make an effort. It’s not the just-studying-for-the-exam bit, I went past that stage a few years back. Where’s the studying-because-I-want-to part? Sometimes, I study and read things because I really want to get to know more. But beyond a point, I know I don’t go that extra mile. I’ve turned into a lethargic, indolent teenager. Oh wait. I’m not a teenager anymore. So now I’m successfully an otiose adult.
I’m hoping that this realization that’s dawned upon me so late in life will have some effect on me. My lifestyle. My thought process. I’m hoping. I know this is not how I want things to be. But then, how do I want it???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
