Very random.

"Why does she write sad stories and poems anyway? " , one may wonder. I strongly believe that the goal of one's life is the pursuit of happiness. It showed ever since I was a little girl. Though I never had a clear picture of where I would be in a few years, I always knew that I wanted to remain happy. That was and is my ultimate goal. Everybody says they want to be a "doctor" or a "journalist" or whatever they want to excel in, like it's the primary goal in one's life, and it just happens that happiness follows these professions. I, on the other hand, have always believed that the pursuit of happiness is the most important of all pursuits, and whatever leads me to it, is just a consequence of me wanting to be happy. Seems like there is a very thin line between the two and if you don't get it, it only means I'm not able to articulate it properly, but there it is - The pursuit of happiness is one's primary goal in life.

There are so many different things I feel I can do. It's like pushing a child into a store full of candies he has never tasted before and asking him to pick one flavor that he has to eat for the rest of his life. You'd say it doesn't matter what he choses as he's never going to find out the true flavor and taste of any of the other candy's anyway. But it's left to him to wonder what it would be like if his choice were a bit different, maybe the candy on the rack next to the one he picked. Any person not open to such thoughts is called focussed, and is deeemed to be happy no matter what they are "given". But isn't it our decision to take whatever we want, so where does the question of "given" even come in? Serendipity and a lot of other factors like destiny (which is a whole new topic altogether) come into play, but we keep improving or modifying what we want according to what we get, and we can never really just sit down and be satisfied or content with what we are "given".

I really admire those people who have wanted to pursue one particular field for as long as they can remember and continue doing so and discover new passion for it everyday. It's like what I see in people doing research, passion drives them to work harder and it never seems to die out. They may have a few lapses, every profession does, but in the end they still enjoy what they do. Or consider people into their own creative careers, taking up photography or art or cooking professionally. They enjoy what they do and earn a living too.

What if you're that interested in everything and you see that you cannot make up your mind on what you do really want to stick with for the rest of your life? And what if you realize that it's not confusion about a career choice but that's how things have been working ever since you were a kid and it'll probably never change? What if you're at a stage where you know that though one particular career could sustain you and keep you happy forever, that's not what you seek? What if you want to be a photographer, a journalist, a researcher, a teacher, a counsellor, a psychiatrist, a criminal investigator, not all at the same time, but definitely one thing at one time, sometime in that short life of yours? What if you're supposedly at a junction where you HAVE to choose, because you're yet again in that path which bifurcates into so many different paths, all equally interesting and intriguing? People say I should examine my head. See a counselor. Take some time off and see what I'm good at. Take aptitude tests, personality tests. Take "which career is best for you? " tests. Consider your options (financially, keeping family in mind etc.). The list is endless and pointless, so I'm going to stop typing it.

The point being, is it really that big a crime to not know what you're going to do tomorrow? I don't want to know. I'm going to take it as it comes,as I always have, not spend my time worrying about a wrong career choice, and it seems to work for me. I know i can give my best shot wherever I am, so it's not a question of survival. Is it a mistake to remain that starry eyed girl who wants everything she sees and saves up in her little piggy bank to get it? At the same time, is it wrong to want money? Isn't money just an exchange of talent? Those who have read Atlas Shrugged will know what I'm talking about. Nobody has ever portrayed the true meaning of money that beautifully or precisely as Ayn Rand has. I know the answer to these questions myself, it's not wrong to be that girl, it's not wrong to desire something this foolishly. But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems to me that the world is lost in an era where people fool themselves and continue living for the sake of being alive rather than trying to live every moment. These times, I feel like society throws these questions at me, and I'm not yet in a strong enough position to throw back my answers at them, proving them wrong. Instead, these questions keep coming back to me and I wonder if they could be right, bringing me to this situation, but when I try answering those questions, I realize how absurd the questions are and how ridiculous and unjustified the answers can get.

Let's come back to why I write sad poems, or rather, why I'm better at it than writing happy ones( a proof of which is "A few of my everyday things"). For all you worried souls out there, I assure you, I'm not cringing in pain or misery when I write such poems. And I appreciate the fact that you worry about me, but don't, cuz I don't worry about you. I trust you to be fine without me worrying about you. It just happens that happiness doesn't come out as words, because that's the state I'm in most of the times, and it usually manifests itself as high pitched screaming or mad-PJ cracking spree or something else the world doesn't quite approve of :P.

P.S - I realize this is a long post. Too long for me to proofread. So kindly put up with slight grammatical and blatant spelling errors :) And the justify option doesn't work. So I'm sorry if the formatting(or the lack of it) hurts your eye.